they made me do this

At some point in our lives we have to be crazy, we have to lose control, step out of our ordinary way of seeing, and learn that the world is not the way we think it is, that it isnt solid, structured, and forever. We are going to die someday, and nothing can control it.
Extend your boundaries. Live on the edge for a while. We act as though we were immortal, and are comfortable in that illusion

this is a line from Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones and i want so badly to follow this. i feel like running out of my house right now and doing something, anything. i want to join a writing class, or just listen to everything that you have to say, or make a collage of leaves, or run around screaming the things i can never find words to say.
truth makes everything so much more managable. but along with raw truth comes a raw life, one that has as tall of peaks as it does troughs. you have to be ready for that. can one ever be ready for life though? it seems slightly ridiculous to feel confident about your future because who the F knows what will happen?
sometimes i dig my own graves but sink into them slowly. thats the worst - when you agree to revolve your life around something you wish so badly you didnt have to care about. social standards are bogus. people passing judgement upon other people is bogus. people setting rules and guidelines for other peoples lives is bogus.
the thing about writing is that is it an alone journey with no means of when to end or what tangent to go off on next. it is only fully true if you do it fully alone, keeping it in mint condition until the end. reading is never alone though. when you read, you are listening to someone else.
i love both.

maybe i should start my indipendent reading project now....... ha ha.